Adult Obvious Notion

I can tell that a lot of people have been trying to bring me down.  The problems I had at work yesterday are ways I can prove that to myself.  I did the best I could yesterday, but still got reemed out and lectured.  If I'm not good enough, I can't help that.  I got a change to my medication, but will it stop others from being irrational and nasty to me?  No.  I continue to vent online in journal form, but I would love to tell people to fuck off.  Near the end of the night, my smile just died.  Should I even bother trying anymore when everyone jumps all over my shit so much?  I deal with it at home and at work.  There's no escaping.  All I want is to feel secure within my own skin, but maybe I'd get a break if I was a different person.  I don't see everyone jumping all over other people's asses.  I'm sick of people being assholes and doing it to me no matter what I do.  Why should I care about pushing so hard if it's never going to be good enough?  I must be truly impaired if it can't be good enough.  I wish I could just quit the job, but my mother is still dependant on me.  If I died or something, what would all of these people do without me around to jump on?  They'd have to find someone else.  With the way that people I talk to say it's normal for people to behave that way no matter where one works, I am regretting returning to the workforce.  I regret a lot of things.  I'm wondering if it's going to be worth it for me to go back to school now too.  I really feel like giving up.  I'm exhausted.  I know I'll never be okay at the rate things are going.  I kind of wish I could hide from everyone.  They aren't even considering my mental illness as a problem for me.  I wish I could go back to just sitting on my ass and wasting away because I can't stand people anymore.  Still, I have to keep pressing on in this shithole world.  I have to pretend I am happy that I have to deal with idiots in my life.  I got set up to be reemed out the first time yesterday.  The other cashier asked me to call the manager and she's the one who had the walkie talkie, not me.  I called the manager over the loud speaker and got bitched out.  Boy did that piss me off.  If she had the walkie, she should have freaking called the manager.  It was her problem she wanted help for anyway.  People suck.  I swear they blow serious chunks.  All I wanted was a normal life.  I got everything but, and it really has me angry as fuck.  It almost brought me to tears last night to see how insensitive and low people go to drive me batty.  I started talking to myself and wishing I could end my life.  It hurt that bad.  I don't think anyone heard me because I said it under my breath.  I shouldn't have to fall that far down just to hold a fucking job.  I guess I'm going to have to start looking elsewhere.  I wish I could walk off the job in situations like that, but I have learned it only ends up hurting me and my employability in the end.  The worst that can happen is that I get fired.  If I do, at least I know I tried to stick it out no matter how low the job made me feel.  That's more than I've done in the past.  I know in my heart that I am trying the best I can.  I'm not acting the same way I used to.  Even if I get fired, at least I know I"m doing better than I used to.  I used to always be bitchy.  I'm trying to change and make sure that I am rid of that side of me.  It's very difficult when people are fucking with me though.  No one should have to slave for $9 an hour only to be pushed harder than humanly possible and fucked with.  They need to go and try to break someone else's spirit and back off of my ass.  I can always end up going back to school, adding computer certs to my associate's degree and make them wish they had the money I'll be making.  That's what they are probably afraid of and the reason for them to fuck with me.  How do I stop allowing low lives to bring me down so bad that I think of taking my own life.  They don't have the right to bring me down that far.

To leave a comment, please sign in with
or or

Comments (0)