I Quit

Well, unfortunately, I had to quit my job.  I find that most of the pain that I was feeling that made me think I had an infection came from the stress of that job and not getting the proper hang count.  I have to find another job.  That job was more...

Stuff

Well, I have to face another day of work today, in which I worry about my hang count.  I wonder if the energy being sucked out of me by the time I go to work is another way that I'm being sabotaged.  I want so much to be as normal as possible.  I...

Odd

I'm still dealing with back pain, but for some reason, when it occurs, it's also hitting my one side more than the other.  I would think it was a real kidney infection or something, but it comes and goes with certain non-conventional treatments....

Here's Hope

I just started on a new anti-depressant yesterday.  I've decided to give up the occasional drinking as a result.  It really doesn't help anyway.  If anything, it was harming me and now I give a damn.  I may not have cared whether I lived or died...

I'm Being Punished

I don't think this pain is kidney problems.  I think I am being punished for not killing myself this weekend.  I think someone wants me to die really badly.  That would explain why I have been going through so much wacky shit.  I don't think they like...

Update

Well, I got a motel room and survived it.  I'm so proud of myself.  I had ample opportunity to kill myself and I didn't do it.  I drank a bit, but that's ok.  It's going to be the last time for a while.  I needed to get away so that I could be calmer...

Facts

I have faced the fact that throughout all of my life, people have gone out of their way to make me miserable.  Yes, there are good people that try to help me through it, but ever since I was a young child, I was treated as though I didn't belong in...

Suspicious

I stopped my medication completely for two days.  Just two days!  All of the sudden I supposedly couldn't count yesterday at work and someone apparently knew what I was crying about while I was alone in my room and made a comment.  I know this shit...

Aha!

Karma is hitting my mother already.  I changed my suicidal thoughts into thoughts of survival and now all of the sudden she doesn't feel good.  Dumb bitch shouldn't attack her daughter then.  Part of me hopes she croaks.

Reality

I didn't think that I could get out of the depressed state that I was in the past few days, but I did just that this morning.  I just changed my way of thinking about situations.  I also did well in hiding my suicidal thoughts yesterday at work.  I...

Sad Thing

It's a sad thing, but I think I'm going to have to start looking for another job.  I can't handle all of the stress that I'm under at this one.  At least I tried.  I would rather deal with people than be stuck in the fucking back burning out because...

I Don't Know Why

I had the opportunity to get a motel room and end my life last night.  I chose to stay alive.  I don't know why though because every time that I try to be strong, someone's gotta fuck with me.  I guess I have to make the best of this situation, no...

I'm Wondering

I'm wondering why I'm having so many problems with this website all of the sudden.  I know damn well that I'm doing nothing wrong by expressing my feelings without causing physical harm to anyone.  I unfriended a few people on Facebook and all of the...

Yay, Another Day

Well, today is another day in which I am alive.  I guess that's okay, even though no one understands my heart.  No one seems to understand why I care about the cats so much.  I took one of the strays to the vet the other day and the month before due...

Dang

I'm not scared of threats that I get on this blog acting like I'm doing something wrong by expressing myself.  I am aware that all that these ignorant people who attack me only want to get me riled up and place me into suicidal thoughts due to fear....

Changed My Mind Again

Well, I have decided to stay in school.  The school was more than happy to withdraw my withdrawal request.  I bought some more books to help me with the algebra.  I have to get through this.  I have only 9 classes left.  I deserve a degree and a...